back to forgiveness

05/22/99

I fell deeply asleep in bed last night. My husband sat in the bedroom's easy chair and watched tv. About 1am he turned off the tv, climbed into bed. I kind of flipped out, throwing my arms around his neck strangling him, demanding to know what he was doing.

I only remember dreaming about a terrible tornado. I don't remember throwing my arms around Mark. I experienced it as jumping backwards out of bed, standing and demanding to know what he was doing as the tornado was whirling out of control.

Mark says I must have been strangling him, hanging on, thinking my legs were flying behind me. I think I was.

Later in the night I remember a dream where a big bomb went off.

When I sleep so very deeply, unusual for me, I believe soul work is happening.

About 6am I had a dream.

I was in a large L shaped banquet room. I was sitting on a bed. Everyone else was sitting at banquet tables. Suddenly to my right my twin sister Carol walks towards me, sits on the foot of the bed and says something mean and taunting like a kid would. I snap back at her, "Well I heard Jessica's a big fat cow."

(my note: Jessica is her anorexic ballet dancer daughter so what's up with that?!?)

Carol looks like she's going to keep up this exchange with me but I quickly think and tell her, "You know, I can be mean or I can be nice. How 'bout you?"

She thinks a second and says, "I can be nice."

She sat closer and we talked.

I said, "I know Jessica's not a big fat cow."

She asked, "How can your girls afford their own phone?"

I feel puzzled she knows they have their own phone, but I reply, "My husband's an MCSE."

She asks me, "What's that?"

I reply, "That's a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer."

She replies, "Wow!

Then 2 men walk in from the door behind me with a silver steel double dog dish. In each dish is a birthday cake and candles, one for me, one for her.

They're singing happy birthday, I stand up and announce to the banquet room that it's our birthday. They all applaud. (my note: our birthday is 9/20).

Carol walks toward a friend of mine I recognize and I give my friend a thumbs up that my conversation with Carol went well. To my surprise, Carol reaches down to hug my friend. I didn't know she knew her. (my note: I can't remember now who the person was).

Suddenly my niece, Marlene, (my niece who had been supportive before my breakdown, wanting me to play nice after, then 'remembered' herself and sued my mother and family trust fund) walks up and hugs me. She says, "I've been thinking of you." I whisper in her ear, "We've been thinking and talking about you too."

Then the rest of the family walks up. I'm quickly thinking, "Now who am I maddest at?" But the thought quickly doesn't matter. I'm at ease.

A woman I don't know walks to me from among my family. She's very open and friendly. She looks at Marlene and smiles saying about me, "You're right, she does have a small face." I ask her who she is, but we don't have time to talk. I look to my left, my oldest sister's husband Hal is wanting to come over for a hug, he can't get thru the crowd yet.

My niece Sharon and my mother weren't there.

In Jungian psychology, I am every person in the dream. I believe the dream is about my reaching acceptance and forgiveness internally with the characters in my life.

I am against insisting that a survivor must forgive. I needed to feel my feelings and make my choices. My journey got me to a true internal forgiveness. It doesn't mean they've changed, I can be in a relationship to them, that my family of origin and I can be together again - and yet maybe some day that will happen. I can let go of the results.

Another quote I want to share is by my favorite author and psychiatrist Alice Miller, "Contempt is a defense against depression, which is a defense against feeling the grief of having lost your real self."

My sister Carol has always been stuck in contempt. I experience Tara as very contemptuous. Alice Miller describes those stuck in contempt as always walking thru this world on stilts, looking down on the rest of us. They secretly feel jealous that we don't walk around on stilts, that we walk on our own 2 feet, and envy us. These people rarely go for help. Their partners do, because the partners get depressed hanging around the contempt.

My sister Pat has always been stuck in depression. All of Pat's life, mom would say, "Poor Pat, she just can't handle life," all the while contemptously demanding Pat keep her secrets no matter how it affected her. I remember about a year before my breakdown Pat went to emergency. It was all very hush, hush, don't talk about it. I only know the doctor said in amazement and sadness, "You've been depressed your entire life." Did she do something about it? No.

Then there's the rest of us doing the real work of recovery. We're the minority. The contempt people and the depressed people all think we're strange.

Doing real recovery can appear depressive or contemptous, and be an easy target for the depressive and contemptuous to demand we stop. I wouldn't trade the way I feel these days, how functional my life has become, for doing it their way.