The Good Fairy Helps Incest Survivors Forget Until It's Safe

Finally, from the corners where the silence still remains, there came the urgency to go to a mountaintop and scream out the whole truth. For starters on that trek, I offer you this story/image and I offer it to you under my own full name, for the first time. It danced out of my head one night at the mediation center. I had not started meditating. I was eating a bowl of soup, but when the mind gets quiet and knows it is in a receptive space, it speaks the truth.

I sent out a prayer to the Universe...it's too painful, I can't take it...and she came to me, the power of my mind, the Energy of the Universe, in blue like the Good Fairy in the Wizard of Oz, waving a wand. I sat cross-legged on the floor of my bedroom, looking up, about five years old. She said, sweetheart, here's the deal. There's too much going on here and I don't have the power to make it be gone, to make it be okay, or even to help you cope with it in a way that's not going to cause you some pain. What I can do, sweetheart, is help you get through this time now, help you forget it as it is going on, so that it will come back but it will come back to you at a later time when you're able to handle it. so I said, okay, because I can't take it.

She waved her wand and said, I'm going to send things that are happening into different parts of your body and they are going to hold them for you like a treasure chest, like a dowry. I am going to have to tie up your pelvis and have it lock in a lot of your sexual feelings because you think they're getting you in trouble. And your belly and pelvis will feel dead and they will also hold in very tight to hold in the energy coming from your vagina and genitals. And your heart; your heart is broken and I'm going to have to let your rib cage close in around your heart and let your heart constrict so that you don't feel the pain of your heart breaking. And I'm going to really tighten up your neck and let it be a fortress with very thick round walls so that what you're feeling doesn't get up to your mouth and you can't speak the words, you can't cry out for help, you can't scream out in rage, you can't breathe too deeply to feel what's going on in your body. And that fortress will keep the knowledge of what's happening in your body from connecting with your head so that you will not be fully conscious of what's going on. And I will tie up your ears so that you hear but don't take too much in.

I want you to be fairly still as a child and not very athletic so we don't interrupt what we're going to put very carefully in place. And it will stay that way. You will have trouble feeling and being close to people, but it will be your way of surviving. And you, my darling, will be a fairly functional human being in spite of all this pain because you have a strong mind and you can hold this all in. And I will be helping you. You will not forget everything. You will remember just enough to always know that this happened. And I will leave a voice inside of you that will urge you to reconnect with your whole self, to find this person who you are now who is calling out for help and whose heart is totally breaking. It may not be clear it's a voice. I will manifest as an urge inside of you but it will be me speaking as I can through your frozen muscles to come back and find yourself.

At the time of your second Saturn cycle, you will begin to open up. It will be a very long process. It may take you as long to heal as you've been in pain and the frozen place. Finally around forty, your muscles will no longer be able to hold all this in. They will begin to give way, you will feel an urgency to do physical work, and that will begin the process of really unwinding your body and releasing what it will have been holding all these years. There will be physical as well as emotional pain in this process. But by then you will be strong enough and old enough to hear the truth and you will have a network of friends around you, mostly women but some men also, who will hold you as you find yourself again. You will not be a very physical person for most of your life; you will have come to accept the frozenness and rigidity of your body. As it begins to unwind you will struggle to re-learn the language of your body/mind and come back together wholly. but you will do it because you are a strong person of love. I don't know exactly how it will unfold but the universe will move you through it. You will have to be very patient, very brave, very courageous, but it will be your training; your firewalk, your healing. And when you are through it, you will be a whole person; new but still the same.

Now I want you to go to bed. I will wave my wand and you will go to sleep and when you wake up, you will forget I was here, you will forget you asked for help, you will forget your daily pain. This is the only way I know to get you through this. You are a beautiful child. I don't know the reasons you have chosen this but I love you and the universe loves you and in fact even your parents love you although they're incapable of showing it to you. You will have to love yourself enough to heal so that the last half of your life will be strong and powerful and full of light; the pain will be there, but it will all be in proportion. One day you will have it all again. Until then and for always, I love you.

Vicki Gabriner