July 7, 2002

Dear Jim Thebaut,

I saw your article in the Daily Breeze today.

I share my story regarding abuse because I think it has some interesting twists, and it expresses how sexual abuse moves through generations when it’s not addressed appropriately.  I began sharing my story years ago in order to help me, and learned it helped others, so I continue.

’88 I'd been married 17 years. We were fighting so much, I went to a therapist, and in desperation my husband finally agreed to go. We told the therapist about my husband's terrible family, and my wonderful family.

I told the therapist about finding my now 14yo daughter being molested at 5yo by her 12yo uncle. She suggested I ask her about it. My daughter said, "Mom, I thought you knew. It went on for 3 years." I sobbed, "OMG, what have I done."

I confronted my in-laws, and learned my husband, the eldest, had raped his 4 years younger stepsister, who went on to rape or molest her 4 and more years younger 4 brothers. One of them had had a breakdown at age 21 remembering, but didn't tell anyone why till my letters. They all disowned me.

My husband didn't remember raping his sister.

‘89 I had a horrific breakdown at age 35 remembering repeated rape by my father, who had died 10 years earlier. My mother said, “One day you’ll thank me for having kept these secrets.” I learned my 14 years older sister had a breakdown at age 21 remembering more than 30 years earlier, when my twin and I were 7 years old. She called both parents for several weeks confronting them. At that time, her therapist was not obliged to report the abuse.  My sister moved back home several years later a single mom with 4 daughters. Two of those daughters had breakdowns remembering before I did. They all demanded I keep silent.

A year before my breakdown my niece’s 4 year old daughter was watching a tv public service ad about bad touch. She described to her mom, one of the daughters who’d had a breakdown remembering, oral sex.  My little grandniece had a vaginal infection, and her father’s roommate was a convicted pedophile, but she wouldn’t tell CPS what she told her mom, so her father wasn’t convicted.  My sister convinced her daughter that my little grandniece must continue visitation because, “After all, that is her father.” My sister was repeating a decision she’d made for herself 30 years earlier.

I wasn’t willing to be silent. My sister Pat said, “No one’s been so loud about it before.”  When I was a teenager Pat was drunk in her home after I’d been babysitting her kids. She told me Uncle Paul raped her when she was 14 years old. She told me she came out to our mother bleeding from between her legs. Our mother pretended she was having a period and helped clean her up.  I told my twin. We never talked about it again.

'89 before the worst of my breakdown remembering, my sister Pat told my husband over the phone that her daughters Sharon and Cheryl Lee had gone thru a breakdown remembering my father's abuse of them. About a year after my breakdown my adult niece Sharon reappeared. My niece Marlene, not yet having her own memories and the only niece still in touch with me, told me how Sharon was hallucinating talking about 3 witches who were out to get her, who were saying ominously, "Do you want your mommy little girl?" With horror I realized that my eldest sister's breakdown remembering was during Sharon's infancy, leaving her neglected in a crib for long lengths of time longing for her mommy. I related to Sharon's feeling like witches were coming after her and wondered if she meant her mother, my mother, and her sister demanding she keep their secrets. My sister had Sharon committed, where Sharon was diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic.   I remember reading  "schizophrenogenic mother - A cold, dominant, conflict-inducing mother believed to cause schizophrenia". "mothers of schizophrenic individuals tend to be cold, rejecting, and yet controlling." "schizophrenic behaviour is a reaction to intolerable stress within the family" "schizophrenic patients often improved in hospital but deteriorated when returned to their families." Or improved when Sharon disappeared from the family for years? "disturbed families maintained a façade of internal familial harmony together with a denial of problems." "When the parents' relationship requires a foil or scapegoat, schizophrenic child will be a natural choice."

Marlene refused to let me know where Sharon had been hospitalized. My family did not want me to talk to Sharon's doctors. I suspect Sharon was not paranoid schizophrenic, or at the least, she could have gotten better if family really wanted her to get better. Out of the hospital 30 days later she disappeared again.

My twin had a psychotic break 10 years before my breakdown.  Her psychotic break was about missing my father after his death. She told me at the time that she had something special between her and dad that she couldn’t tell me about, “It’s a secret.”

My favorite niece Marlene wrote me ’90, "I know, I know the pain you have gone through and still do. But you must realize how important the family is. I know you don't want to hear it, but everyone loves you. Your mother is getting older by the day and misses you and the children." "Carol (my twin sister) is terribly depressed and lonely because she lost her lifelong friend. "Mom (my older sister Pat) has been through so much, not only by your hand but by her daughter being committed to a mental hospital But YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT, DO YOU?!? Because that's what you wanted was for the family to suffer as much as you had. They want to give you love and support and you want to give them pain."

After reading my response Marlene wrote back, "I was the exact one who tried to put you back into a role you went through hell trying to break free of. I am sorry and embarrassed about that. I wrote that letter out of pain and anger. I reacted out of anger because I felt you thought I was no better than the rest of the family. And also I had to deal with everyone's pain towards you. I wanted you back in the family like it was. And in that anger and in that wanting for the past, I completely lost sight of the most important thing through all of this. I lost sight and pushed it back that you were molested as a child by your father. It gets difficult to remember the terrible things that happened to you when all the other family vehemently denies anything happened. But I do believe you and I always have and I am sorry I put my pain ahead of yours."

Then over the phone Marlene said, "Mimi (my mother) told you what you wanted to hear (when Mom admitted knowledge of sexual abuse) but it was misconstrued. She didn't know about the sexual abuse."

Then Marlene accused me of having made my kids and hers victims by my having a nervous breakdown remembering repeated rape by my father. She claimed I "negated my responsibilities as an adult, became obsessed and ceased to function properly on a day to day basis." Marlene said what scared her most was that she would not be able to function in her roles as mother and wife. She maintains that she has since remembered, confronted the family, is over it, and I should be too.

’90 My husband's company moved the 4 kids and I from CA to Vegas. The company never moved as promised. My husband commuted. He eventually rented a room from his best friend's former girlfriend.

My husband called one weekend sobbing he'd had a breakdown remembering raping his sister, seeing on her face the same terror he'd seen on my face during my breakdown remembering.

A month later my husband denied ever telling me what he remembered and demanded a divorce. He was in love with his landlord.

For six months I didn't tell the kids, as their father continued his affair, and we didn't pursue a divorce.

He lost his job. He suddenly wanted back.

Altho our sex life had usually been very satisfying, he was rough and hurt me. I told him I wouldn't allow that again. He turned stone cold.

A week later our eldest daughter had her first and only flashback about her uncle molesting her. I talked to her. I told my husband he needed to offer his support. He sighed heavily, talked to her, came downstairs and told me, "I can't take this anymore." His landlord from CA was coming to pick him up.

Over the next couple of months my ex didn't pay support, brought his girlfriend into my home, was served with a restraining order, and her warned not to trespass, and my ex called CPS telling them I was an incest survivor in delusion, the kids filthy, not eating, eating off the floor, the house filthy...I was entirely cleared. My ex then pulled unethical moves to get jurisdiction in CA, lied to the court about my salary and need for spousal support, and had $368 a month assigned for child support. We were on food stamps and facing eviction. My ex ignored his kids, and became close buddies again with all his brothers and his sister, including our daughter’s molester.

A year later our 7yo daughter planned her suicide. I got her into therapy, and demanded her dad give her the attention she needed. My ex made a few phone calls. My new boyfriend (my now husband) and I traveled to CA 3xs a year for the next 2 years so the girls could see their dad, and my boyfriend could try to see his son.

The first time we were trading the kids in the parking lot, my ex sobbed to me about his stepdad's death, and told me that on his deathbed, his stepdad admitted to molesting my ex. My ex tearfully asked I give him a break regarding support issues, because of his having to deal with that.

A month later he denied ever telling me that.

August 1993 My oldest daughter was getting married. She asked me if I’d mind her inviting Marlene. I said I wouldn’t mind. Standing in the receiving line, a very thin blond came up to shake my hand. I said, "Hi, who are you related to?" She said, "It’s me Marlene." My mouth dropped. She used to be a chunky brunette. I said, "OMG, I didn’t recognize you." She spent the evening socializing with my ex and the woman he left me for. She shook my hand goodbye.

A couple of months later she sued my mother and the family trust fund exclaiming to family that my sisters and I don’t deserve the money - she does (She and her husband are wealthy – unlike anyone else in my family). I believe she was angry that at the wedding I wasn’t warm and fuzzy. Her suit claimed she was now unable to function properly. She was functioning just fine.  How ironic that she’d been angry at me for not “functioning” for awhile. The suit was settled out of court. She received $25,000.

I had learned through the grapevine that Marlene with the help of her husband, Ron, was doing the legal legwork themselves, suing Mimi and the trust fund. I learned that Mimi and Pat had hired a lawyer for Mimi and a different lawyer to defend the trust fund.

The trust fund was the second biggest secret in our family. I only knew that when my mother died my paternal grandparents' trust fund was to be dispersed among my sisters and I. (I believe that when my mother responded to my breakdown saying, “Some day you’ll thank me for having kept these secrets” she meant when I inherit the money.  My mother is 93, still happily living alone in a condo and driving – having never worked or worried about money since marrying my father, who also never worked. My sister Pat, now 63, is still trying to keep mom’s secrets waiting for that “carrot” – the money. Pat’s health is not good.) I had a piece of paper from about 10 years earlier with the name of an attorney because when my father died, my sisters and I signed paperwork allowing my mother to continue to live in the house owned by the trust fund, and to continue to get a monthly income. We signed the papers, no questions asked. I didn't know any other details.

I tracked down the name of the trustee and spoke to him. He said my mother had called just two days earlier asking if the trust fund would pay her legal fees, but she didn't tell him what it was about. I told him. He didn’t know the trust fund was being sued.  He said he would read the small print in the trust because he believed the trust could not pay for an income beneficiary's legal expenses. He suggested I send for a copy of the trust fund and my father's and grandparents wills. I had already sent for a copy of Marlene's lawsuit and said I would send him a copy of that. I asked how much the trust fund was worth. He said over a million dollars. I asked if I could get a copy of the last statement. He replied that I just needed to send a letter requesting to be mailed a statement each month.

I can't describe the euphoria and heady feeling of having broken the walls of secrecy again and taken control of my life. All the years of secrecy surrounding the trust fund and in 40 minutes I had tracked down all the information I needed to be fully informed.

Marlene’s suit didn’t contain my paternal grandmother’s name or the name of the trust fund, because she didn’t know it. I guess she didn’t think I would give her the name.

The trustee called me several months later asking for my OK about the trust fund paying $25,000 to Marlene and paying Mimi's $10,000 legal expenses. He said they wanted to have letters from my sisters and I OKing the payment to put in the trust file to prevent any future legal issues. I replied that I would prefer my mother's personal assets pay it. He said he had her tax return in front of him and she doesn't have anything near the $20 - $25,000 I thought she had.

He asked me for Pat and Carol's phone numbers and asked me, "How do you think they will feel about it?" I replied, "I think they will OK it." I said I would get back to him on Monday with the phone numbers.

On Monday I called him with the phone numbers and said I was consulting an attorney about it. The trustee said that, though there is a spendthrift clause in the trust, my mother had never dipped into the principal before, and so they were going to OK it. He said he would not be calling Pat or Carol after all.

I called Marlene's attorney about the possibility of suing. He was at first guarded and testy. He asked me a few questions and said the statute of limitations had run out on my case. He mentioned some details of what Marlene had remembered – my mother cleaning her up after the sexual abuse. I replied that I remembered things like that too. In astonishment he said, "You mean you would have testified!!!" I replied, "Of course, why wouldn't I?" In my mind it was about making a perpetrator liable. I had the documentation proving my mother and sister knew about the abuse, yet my niece hadn’t told her lawyer about me.  I realized even more that in my niece’s mind, it had been a way to try to hurt me along with everyone else.

The attorney said the other side had said Mimi was old and weak, and they wouldn't have "looked" good going after her.   I replied that was true. He asked me how much the trust fund was worth.  I replied at least a million dollars. There was a silence on the other end of the line.

I called back several days later to tell him something I thought was important. He was surly and didn’t want to talk. Perhaps Marlene had been angry he talked to me.

I then wrote her attorney, sharing with him the details leading to my phone call to him. I asked him to let Marlene know that the trust fund is written that if her mother dies before my mother, the trust fund is written so that Pat's share would go to her daughters.

My oldest neice, Cheryl Lee, the one who had a breakdown remembering before me and who’s daughter was molested by her own father, had a breakdown again @’97 and spent time in a mental hospital. She's been living with my twin ever since.

’98 I had confronted my eldest daughter and her husband about gay bashing in my house, demanding money and babysitting, colluding with her dad about how I was raising the kids (I raised all the kids Catholic. I thought I raised them tolerant. My adult kids grew up visiting my twin’s Mormon church.  My eldest became strict Catholic – she and my ex are frightened of my adult son’s Mormon religion, my allowing her little sisters to visit their big brother’s church, and of my religious diversity. My ex threatened to marry his new girlfriend – he’d had an affair on the woman he left me for and was with someone new - in the Catholic Church and take the girls to Catholic Church when they were with him. I said go ahead. He threatened court.  I said go ahead. He didn’t do any of that.) My eldest disowned me exclaiming out of the blue that she credits her dad with confronting her molester, that I obviously have a severe problem with anger and haven’t finished therapy (from someone who’s never had therapy), that she’s going to write her molester and forgive him, and that I will never have the opportunity to influence her children regarding religion (ironically what she was trying to do – not something I do).

2000 my niece Sharon showed up at her mother’s house with 2 sons by different fathers, running away from one of the fathers. My sister Pat called CPS and the boys were put in foster care. I learned about it thru my adult son who is in touch with Pat's youngest daughter who was nearly disowned by her mom for talking to my son. I tried to track down where the boys were thinking no family of origin was staying in touch. County services wouldn't give me info or affirmation that I'd found their county services, but I got the impression I had found where they were, and I sent for each of their files a genealogy and a message from our family. A month later I learned Sharon died in a fire. Her boys were quickly put up for adoption. The only family of origin they will remain in touch with is my sister Pat. I don't think county was happy I'd found them, and I don't think county ever tried to track down the biofathers. State services had been helpful and thanked me for caring enough to try to get in touch with the boys.

I do cry about Sharon's death. I remember my second niece confiding in me many years ago while in her 20's regarding her journal writing about her father who'd molested her as a toddler in her crib. Looking back I remember how open and together she was, how privileged it was to have had her confide in me, and my inability to offer her any support at the time. I said nothing. She was the most candid of all of us when I knew her as a young adult. I hadn't seen signs of illness. I suspect she retreated in to Paranoid Schizophrenic in response to her family's craziness. She and I could have been candid with each other these days.

I think my family is relieved Sharon died, and wishes I had.

10/27/2000 I learned my mother was dreaming about me and talking about missing me.  I'd been dreaming about my mother too. My dreams include nearly all of my family except my twin.  In my dreams we are reconciled and talk easily. I think they reflect my recovery with my internal family.

I called my mother today. She was silent when she realized who it was. I told her that I sent her a couple of letters, but she never answered. She was silent.  I got the impression she'd gotten the letters alright.  

She demanded to know who told me she'd been dreaming about me and missing me.  She admitted that was true, but said she'd only talk to me if I had changed my mind about what happened.

My mother said she doesn't need any of my negativity.  I replied, "I don't feel the need to be negative.  When I heard that you were dreaming and talking about me, I thought you wanted to talk." Mom said, "I'm not ready." I asked her, "Do you want my phone # for when you are ready?" She said no.

She repeated several times, "Are you alright?" repeating the belief they've expressed over the years, that I've been sick all these years and just need to come to my senses.

She said she prays for me to get close to God every day.  She continued to demand to know who told me.  She snarled, "Did Cinthy tell you!?!" I said, "No, Cinthy doesn't want to talk to me." 

There were 2 things she wouldn't let go of, who told me, and trying to evangelize and save my soul. I hung up.  

I cried. I'm done.  I've done all I felt the need to do, and got my answer. I can let the fantasy of reconciliation with my mother in this lifetime go.

10/30/2000 My sister Pat’s youngest daughter, Amberly, went to admit to her mother that she's the one who had given out the info that my mother was dreaming about me.  My sister, Pat, was put out that she didn't know I had written and talked to my mother.  Pat’s been trying for more than 20 years to get our mother to live with her. My mother adamantly protects her independence from the daughter trying to cling.  She called my mother, who told her she had "handled it just fine", in other words she had supposedly cleaned the floor with me.

My sister Pat told my niece that ALL of her daughters had disappointed her.  *shaking my head* I told my son, "How's Cinthy disappointed her? By dying?" My niece Cinthy died of lung cancer at age 37 4/2001, refusing to ever reconcile with her former best friend, sister Marlene. How'd Sharon disappoint her? By finding it too hard to keep her mother's secrets, being diagnosed schizophrenic, dying in a fire at age 40?  

And Marlene? Disappointed her mom by being unwilling to keep silent - she had to be disowned.  Sounds like Marlene's thriving these days. *grin* At least there's a few of us.

I think of the niece my sister was telling she's so disappointed in her - pretty, a 2nd grade school teacher, happily married, a new mom.  Pat's willing to disown her over daring to talk to me.  

I remember my own mother saying about my sister over and over again, "Poor Pat, she just can't handle life." Pat went to emergency @’87. It was another “secret”. My niece Marlene only told me the shocked doctor told her mother, “You’ve been depressed your entire life.”  I don’t believe Pat sought treatment.

My mother always expressed her disappointment in Pat as a daughter. My mother probably now expresses her disappointment about me - the one who used to be her favorite (Pat told my husband over the phone during my breakdown how this was hurting our mother – especially since I was mom’s favorite – news to me. And I recognized Pat’s repressed anger regarding that.). 

Now my sister was mimicking her own mother's demeaning behavior.  

Through the 90’s I went on to speak, write and perform on the subject.  I created in Vegas the ACOA Healing Your Sexual Self meeting, Partners of Survivors, and helped facilitate self-help marathon rage and grief workshops.

My 2^nd husband, a computer guru, got me creating a family webpage. ’95 I began telling my incest story and sharing what helped me. That grew in to my own domain, www.whitesoftheirlies.com .

What I didn’t expect was that my family of origin would discover and pour over every word on my web.  They were furious.  They created curiosity in the teenagers.

I learned through the grapevine that family of origin teenagers snuck a look at my webpage.  My now adult niece learned anew she’d been molested at age 4 by her father. My family of origin is furious with me because that niece now has a “normal” relationship with her father, and I’ve upset her.  I hope she’ll realize that she can’t leave any kids she has in the future alone with her father.

***snip***

I’m very well recovering, happily married, mother of 4, stepmother of 2, and 6 grandchildren.

cc: Daily Breeze Reporter